Monday morning, slowly waking up without truly awakening.
I do remember what’s true to me, in my mind
– yet it’s not the same as sensing it
Although I make a conscious choice for today, I notice it stays briefly, it’s quickly evaporating
The clock makes marionettes of us
Within one hour, my commitment to myself seems to be gone.
Habits immediately seem to be stronger and I succumb to them, unconsciously obedient. Indecisive, hesitant, confused, thinking too much
Very gradually and slowly I am losing
my energy
Where’s the longing? I want to be there
I want to feel alive
The attachment of ‘wanting’; it’s a ‘have to have it’
Until suddenly there is this very subtle awareness that
I’m just telling myself I’m losing energy
lost in thoughts and doubts and lack of movement
I am just telling myself I don’t manage to be truly awake and fully alive, in this world of thousands expectations, small and large
Without any effort
Someone inside took a small step back
And there it was: spaciousness
No matter how small, I felt a tiny bit of life in me again
Like a vacuum jar
just needs the slightest of air
Now I can stop thinking about my longings: I can sense them
Smell, taste, feel them
Air, breath, space, relief
Life energy was still there, never gone
Like shy wild animals, full of vulnerable strength, life
Yet, really sensing it I notice it’s a place a lot more vulnerable
A place of new challenges
Can I allow my vulnerable fears and longings and
be with it, be tender with it
without withdrawing?
Do I have the courage to long for something that does not seem to be there now?
Authenticity is freedom, choice, aliveness
The courage to stand for what’s truly important
And it’s vulnerable
That’s what I tell myself
Whenever I am brave enough to sense and hold my fears
Holding my longings with passion yet freely, no strings attached,
I feel trust in the true life in me, always there, moving, being, dancing, flying, crying, laughing, changing,
living
March 2020, Yvonne Jeucken
Met geweldloze communicatie ontwikkelde ik de moed om authentiek te reageren op de ander, vanuit mijn eigen waarden. Met dank aan Marshall Rosenberg, Gina Lawrie, Robert Gonzales. "If something is that important, why not choose it?"
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